cutting

i'm a cutter. i cut myself  but the other day when my friend an her cousin were talking about Demi her cutting problems. they asked me why i cut myself. to tell you the truth i really never thought about it.

• one reason is that its an addiction. after my 1st time cutting myself i was addicted to it. i just wanted to do it again and again.
• second reason is that i'm depressed when im sad i just do it to
• third reason is pain. when i cut i feel like it releases my pain. it hurt so much that i like it. it makes me feel better

last but not least

• i like to look at my blood when it comes out of my cuts. just the thought of it makes me feel better. 

i guess i have some serious problems right? my friend told me that the reason i like to see my blood come out is that its all my stress and pain coming out. witch makes since. i'm no always so depressed when i'm with him i feel like all my pain is gone. that no is nothing to worry about. i feel amazing and happy around him. he means a lot of me. i just want to be normal i want to be me. i don't want to be so unhappy. so depressed. i hide it the best i can from people and the few friends i have left. i don't like it when people see me sad. it makes me feel guilty.makes me feel bad. i feel like no one cares and that its wrong to be sad and depressed. so i hide it the best i can.

Pain

i dated a boy in high school. we went out all of freshman year and sophomore year and junior year on and off. i was so in love with him. but what he did to me was unforgettable. it hurt me so much. he did this to me...

one day after we broke he went out with a girl he hated so much just to get back at me. they would kiss and hug and laugh in front of me just to make me jealous and try to get a me to do something. basically to react but all i did was smile and laugh. i didn't want to show them that i was hurting inside. all i wanted to do was cry and run away from them. they didn't it everyday in front of me. they even try to come hunt me own. it just wasn't right. how much they were trying to hurt me. then when i couldn't take it anymore. i cried my eyes out one of my friends arm so hard. then he saw me he finally stopped. he got his full.

he got his fill and left me alone. i just cant believe that people would do anything to try to hurt you. it till hurts me today. it was a memory i want so hard to forget. i want to forget all my pain. it hurts to much. i just cant help but to think about it. i try so hard to forget i even cut and hurt myself.

Running Away

iv always wanted to run away to Venice beach in CA for as long as i can remember. a fresh start. but i'm alone 19 no money. but that's not stopping me from going. there something else. i just cant putt my finger on it. i really want to go. so badly. even if i have to leave on the street and find a way to get a job. i just want to leave my horrible life. and start over be me. and my own person. i want to be happy. i'm so tried of crying. so done. i want to take off.

so i made up my mind i'm going to save little money buy a bus ticket to Venice and leave first chance i get no one going to stop me. ill get a job ill leave off the streets sleep outside. no matter what i'm going to get the hell out this dumping town and leave. 

i have my head set on this this is what gets me out of bed in the morning leaving this town being me going to Venice its such a wonderful town i'm so excited to go

first

• get a job
• save money
• buy a ticket
• then leave. 

yess thats is what im going to do. no one will stop me. no one

Nightmare #1

Every time i have nightmares I'm so afraid to think about them. they scare me. its problemly because i have them almost ever night and its almost the same nightmares everyday. i think I'm going to start writing them down. here my 1st nightmare from when i was little i remember it so well it feel like it happened yesterday...

i was on my way to my best friends house, it was a normal day. then i made it to my friend house everything was normal at first. we went inside to hang out. then my little brother came in he was like a zombie so dead and lifeless. he was turning everyone around him into what he was. so i ran outside scared and afraid i had no idea what was going on. then there was a tree in her yard it was alive and turning everyone into what my little brother was. it didn't say a word to me just gave me a creepy look then my little brother came outside and the tree stuck a ruby red jewel inside of them. as i watching this i ran out the gate and took of down the street with ever one running after me i kept going on and on and on. it felt like hours to me. then i stopped looked back and started to cry i felt like my life was over.

then i woke up afraid and ran to my parents run and slepted on the floor. i didn't want to be alone after that. i kept having that nightmare i feel like there hunting me. like they never want to leave me. i still have that nightmare every now a day. but now there getting out of hand. there really starting to get in my head.

The Beginning

i wanted to a talk about my life where no one can judge me and tell me that is so stupid. to express myself just how i am. i'm so tired of keeping everything inside, i don't want to hold back anymore. i want to be me and only me. i don't want to act like a different person anymore. iv lost so much. its starting to hurt me now. i cant hold back the tears anymore i cant fight my feelings anymore. i just cant do it all anymore. its getting so hard to pretend nothing wrong. to walk by people with a fake smile. i don't want to be fake anymore i just want to be me and only me. why is that so hard to ask for now a days anyways all i ask for from the people who read this is not to judge me or make fun or tease me and try to hurt me. iv gone thro enough pain. im so done with it.