My world

i always feel the world is crashing down on me and then there nothing you can do to even if u see it coming it still going to happen and it last night my boyfriend went thro all my message and got upset about me wanting to hang out with my ex-boyfriend all we do is talk. we lay on the sidewalk and talk. this morning he ignore me. didn't say a word. said nothing. I'm not stupid i know he went thro my shit. now he upset because he can't get mad about anything without my bring up cheating i only brought it up because the person he talks to bugs me. it bugs me like my ex-boyfriend bugs him. it wrong of me to bring up something like that? its only fair. he thinks my ex-boyfriend is going to make a move and then I'm going to cheat. I'm the faithful one here. iv been nothing but faithful. i guess thats what i get for being nice and wanting to talk to someone who makes me smile and who makes me feel better but oh well.  why did we have to fight over it why couldn't he just come talk to me and tell me it bug him instead of him throwing a hiss fit and getting upset. i don't understand why everything happens the way it happens. life isn't fair. its just cruel.

this is just going to be short and sweet. i don't feel so good. i feel sick to my stomach. I'm problemly not going to eat today. I'm not a stress eater quiet the opposite i don't eat when I'm upset. it makes me feel sicker like I'm going to throw up. i hate that feeling so much. feeling of about to throw up but never do one day its going to happen. >.< i hope everyone having a better day then me. i wish id nether woken up to this. have a good day my kitties.

{sorry for the spelling error if there are some}

Love Rylee~

Yesterdays, Today?

when to my cousin choir concert yesterday it was soo nice going back to my old high school ^.^ but the concert was amazing i got him to look at me and my best friend and he laughed and smiled i think from then he tried not to stare at us becuz we problemly mess him up, but it was beautiful. after that i went to her house and watched for my bf to come get me and take me home cuz you know i still cant drive. it was wondering and apparently there was a dust storm. shit got in my eyes my eyes started to hurt after that witch sucked really bad. after we went home i got home to a dirty room someone, not pointing fingers here, they left our window open and the blinds up there was dust and dirty everywhere i just cleaned this room 3days ago not i have to redo everything i did. so my nose is bugging me today i have allergies i been sneezing a lot today and last night. but that would be fun cleaning ... anyways to cheer me up me and my boyfriend hear something in the room next to use so we but our ears up to the wall to see what is was hehe lol it was frozen my boyfriend brother is watching a child's movie i looked at my boyfriend and laughter said lol i hope he has a girl in there. and what do u know he does. soo i guess they were having sex while watching frozen? i don't know and i really don't want to either. 

Flashback... 

soo me and my best friend found this cute lil kitten in the gutter about a year ago she was soo small you wouldn't believe it. she could fit in your hand. we took her inside her house and played with her and put her on Facebook to see if anyone wanted her no one wanted this poor homeless kitten. so i told her ill take her home and see if i could find anyone. my boyfriend came and got me and i put her in my bag to see if i could sneak her over. well lol you can't sneak a baby kitten there noise he heard meowing and looked at me and said what was that i said nothing >.> my giggle gave me away and he said let me see what whatever you have and i opened my bag and showed him lol he was AWWWWW soooo cute. we went home and i named her mittens becuz she has white paws. so i did find someone to take her but he wanted to wait to move into his new apartment. 6months later he asked for her and i told him no, everyone is to attach to her and they love her to death i don't want to see her go. soo we kept her. she's grown into a beautiful young cat. i can't see my life without her in it.

 Baby mittens ^
    and now v

 :) adopt please and don't let homeless animals suffer <3 they make the best friends.  

Love Rylee~

My Rut

i was texting my mom earlier today she keeps bugging me about learning to drive. i can't drive, 21 and i can't drive. thats not really my fault is it? its a parents job to teach there kid to drive. i can't learn on my own, who's car am i going to drive apparent not my parents if they won't let me use it then what am i suppose to do. it didn't really matter to me. i didn't care wether i drove or not. i just wasn't motivated to drive. i was depressed and sad i can't control what i want to do or don't. i don't know anymore, she says I'm in a rut because I'm use to doing nothing even when i did do something i still felt the same. i always felt the same. i felt like this for a good long away now. even moving out of my both parents houses. i still feel like this, unmotivated to do anything. sure if i want to go outside ill go walk to the park and hang out under the tree with the sun and the breeze it feel so nice. but when i walk back home i feel the same. i don't know maybe i need to get back on my depression pills. i hate having to take them everyday it was a pain to have to remember to take those darn pills ever sing single day of my life. it was like ugh! so i stopped taking them. i don't care lol nope don't care not one bit. 

i been meaning to get a job for while now so i can live alone with my bf, ever since we talked about it, its been something i really want. sounds amazing to live with my bf alone just the two of us happy and stuff. ^.^ no matter how much i wish for that to come true it still doesn't motivated to go out and find one. i need to get something to make feel like I'm motivated to do it! i don't know what it feels to  feel driven to go out and get what i want and to do it now. i need to find my drive, i want to find it but i just don't know how to go out and do that. ill find a way i know i will. i love my boyfriend and i want to live alone with him in apartment just the two of us. <3 

Love Rylee~

Mistake #1

Hmmm i don't know maybe its just me. no matter how much i tell myself your over him no more talking to him this is it your done; week later (types out message) "hi david :D"  >.> ugh then when he replies its like my heart just skip a beat and pounds million miles an hours. i get so nervous it kinda hurts then i get lil butterflies in my tummy. i always get that feeling when i text him. frankly i love it. i love the feeling you get when your nervous to see someone. BUT >.< i have no feelings for him none! i just i don't know anymore. being a girl sucks you get so many emotions and i don't know what to do. soo i texted him and asked him if he wanted to hang out and he said yess. i swear i think i squeaked inside. i was so happy. its been a year since i seen him, his now xgf broke our friendship apart and blocked me from him. suck how jealous women can get. i really don't want to tell my boyfriend about this. he doesn't like him at all. some part of me wants to tell him then others part its just nope don't do it. i don't know what to do, maybe i won't tell him. if it goes well then ill tell him, i don't like keeping secrets from him but I'm going to just this once, for now. 

iv been on my computer playing minecraft all day. i just don't know what to do. I'm bored, very bored. i have no friends soo there no where to go well i do have one she's my best friend, we been friends for over 16years long time. BUT she lives on the other side of town and i can't drive nether can she. soo i don't really get to see her that much, well i do have another friend who lives in England lol but thats on the other side of world. my god he has the most amazing english accent ever, when i hear him talk my heart sinks to my stomach and i get butterflies. i love accent there just amazing and adorable. he so cute i just wanna hug the shit out of him ^.^ he says the most adorable things ever. soo its 9:20pm and i think I'm going to go watch Revenge and Once Upon a Time. Good Night~

Love Rylee

My Thoughts & Day Dreams

when i lay here on my bed and day dream about how i wish this would happen or that.  it gets me thinking do i really want that to happen? is that what i truly want?? Hmm i guess i won't really know unless it happens but day dreams never really happen its what u wish would happen right? i don't really know. ugh life, I'm sitting here watching Bones thinking to my wow i really love this show. i love to look at all the dead bodies and see how they died and watch them cut them open or clean there bones. then it hits me minute later, eww riley this is gross what u thinking? >.< i don't know! i like it. i went outside i guess yesterday morning to take my dog out to the bathroom. there was the same yellow butterfly i see ever morning i wonder what would it feel like to fly? to just take off and sorrow through the air to go where ever i want. i day dream about that, to just take off and not look back to wonder what its like out there. i would love to visit the rainforest before i die. it just sound so beautiful and amazing.

lol im not going to lie i watch anime. one of my favorite anime's is Inuyasha <3. want to hear a really funny day dream. i bet i can make u laugh? it makes me smile when i think about it. here we go!!

When i was in; i want to say 4th or 3rd grade. I would day dream that Inuyasha would come into my classroom and pick me up stare into my eyes and take me away back to his time. I would say to my classmate see you tomorrow guys my boyfriend here. Everyday i would day dream about that. it still sounds amazing. Then when i had a rough day i would close my eyes and say ugh Inuyasha come get me please I'm so done with school then he be here in matter of seconds. 

being a kid u day dreamed about anything. that was something i really wished would come to. I'm one of those people who wish the anime world was real. but sadly its not so i can only day dream about it. come on you know that was funny? even a little. i made u smile. ^.^ I'm smiling. i rather day dream then actually dream at night. my dreams are the opposite there just scary and some of them are just straight out terrifying. thats all for now ill write more later on in the day.           Good Night

Love~ Rylee

Im back

I came here to tell a story that is what i will do, wether you here hear to listen or judge please hear me when i say i will never judge you. i been away writing poetry it makes me feel better i write my heart and soul out i share it to everyone who is willing to read my heart. my life has its ups and downs. the roads as been rough, hard, dark and cold. i have been trying to see the light at the end of the road. i look up at the sky and hope for a better day. in fact i wish on it but sometimes wishes never come true. when i feel down; when i feel like there nothing to bring back my happy spirt i sing my heart out when I'm alone. i write. i laugh. and i smile at strangers and hope that i will be happy again. i feel like my life is spiraling down, lately i thought everything was ok i thought finally here is my happiness waiting for me. but when i finally reached out for it, it kept moving away from me. telling me i wasn't ready for it, you have much pain to endure. but that silly right? i can be happy if i try i just need smile and laugh. 

I want to write everyday, here at my blog share my thoughts and feeling with you. pour my heart out to everyone. i want to tell my story and i want to do it right. i want to do it my way. please be gentle my heart is weak. i had to many people think they can push me around and think its ok to play with my emotions. will its not, it is not ok. i don't like it. i know you wouldn't like people playing with you.

So lets begin with to day.

I had a dream about my ex boyfriend to be honest as much as i loved him in high school i don't love him now but i have strong feelings for him feeling i wish i didn't have. I'm currently in relationship its been one year and 8months. this is the 3rd time we dated and its been working so far. we have problems but nothing bad. anyways when i think of my ex boyfriend it makes me feel distance and sad. it makes me want to see him and get answer for the question i have. but i will never get them because he ignoring me. why? becuz i tried to stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life. he didn't listen of course and he hurt me. in return she hurt him. thats karma i guess? he still doesn't talk to me but oh well right? don't talk to me fine. he knows i was the only person who never hurt him i stuck by him. what do i get? a broken heart, lies, and bad gossip. i want to forget him and everything we did together so i can make my relationship work. i love this guy i hope to god he doesn't hurt me. i opened my heart up to him. i guess we will see where it goes. 

the end for the day

Love~ Rylee 

upset

i guess being happy is a lot to ask for in this life. i got upset to day becuz i was looking forward to going to venice beach with my bf. its one of my fav beaches i look forward to going ever time. i didn't get go today becuz he "fell asleep" at his house. i got upset and i was hurt. i put my hopes up and he left down. i hate doing that. i always do that. i get hurt at the end all the time. its always the same. the fight we got into today got out of control. we almost broke. in fact i think i did. idk. we don't know where we stand. i some part of me doesn't care. i feel worthless. i fell stupid. i don't know y he wastes is time with me. all i wanted was to go to venice. was that to much to ask for. its my fav places. i don't like going alone, i love spending time with him. (sign) somethings just weren't meant to be. i guess what say is true. " no one cant hurt if your alone "  or something like that. i keep pushing ppl away. i don't mean to. i just think there better off without me. i just dont care about life anymore. its a painful. life hurts. im always had enough of it. i hate feeling this way. i try to change it but i can't. its hard. its really hard.

life a bitch