My Rut

i was texting my mom earlier today she keeps bugging me about learning to drive. i can't drive, 21 and i can't drive. thats not really my fault is it? its a parents job to teach there kid to drive. i can't learn on my own, who's car am i going to drive apparent not my parents if they won't let me use it then what am i suppose to do. it didn't really matter to me. i didn't care wether i drove or not. i just wasn't motivated to drive. i was depressed and sad i can't control what i want to do or don't. i don't know anymore, she says I'm in a rut because I'm use to doing nothing even when i did do something i still felt the same. i always felt the same. i felt like this for a good long away now. even moving out of my both parents houses. i still feel like this, unmotivated to do anything. sure if i want to go outside ill go walk to the park and hang out under the tree with the sun and the breeze it feel so nice. but when i walk back home i feel the same. i don't know maybe i need to get back on my depression pills. i hate having to take them everyday it was a pain to have to remember to take those darn pills ever sing single day of my life. it was like ugh! so i stopped taking them. i don't care lol nope don't care not one bit. 

i been meaning to get a job for while now so i can live alone with my bf, ever since we talked about it, its been something i really want. sounds amazing to live with my bf alone just the two of us happy and stuff. ^.^ no matter how much i wish for that to come true it still doesn't motivated to go out and find one. i need to get something to make feel like I'm motivated to do it! i don't know what it feels to  feel driven to go out and get what i want and to do it now. i need to find my drive, i want to find it but i just don't know how to go out and do that. ill find a way i know i will. i love my boyfriend and i want to live alone with him in apartment just the two of us. <3 

Love Rylee~